not the chosen ones

It's very disappointing. A bummer. A downer. It sucks! No other way to put it! Don't need to sugarcoat it. Would have much rather been chosen and knowing our baby was coming to us. But the birthmom did not feel we are the right ones to raise her son. Yes. It was a boy. I respect her decision. Of course I know we would have been great parents but I know she has to feel right about it. Some friends meaning to be supportive have said things like "She's an idiot if she doesn't choose you!" or "She'd be a fool not to pick you guys!." I know they mean well but really I don't agree. If it's not right, then it's not right. I want her to feel right about us or I wouldn't feel right. When I think of the birthmom of our future child I only have great love and respect.

Yes, perhaps if she knew us like our friends who made those comments did, she would choose us. That is one of the frustrating things about adoption. Her first decision is made from a piece of paper with written words about us and a photograph. So we are going to take some matters into our own hands and create a better profile and post it on a site specifically for prospective adoptive parents. It will make me feel good, knowing we are doing something and putting it out into the world more!

I will admit that I was a basket case this morning. I am not the kind of person to get nervous. I was darn near close to having a full blown anxiety attack!! Glenn had to talk and soothe me down. But it was good I got it all out in the AM. Shedding tears and talking about it with Glenn really helped. We had been waiting really since Tuesday night, wondering if this was our turn! So, when our Social Worker finally called today at 3:30pm I was more than ready to know one way or another. It was a relief to get the news, even though it was not the news we had hoped for, it felt so much better to know. BIG sigh of relief! Now we can get back to waiting. We know how to do that and are very good at it.

We eased the disappointment by taking our beloved, adorable dogs to the dog park. We call it the happiest place on earth! We love Disneyland but the dog park is just pure fun and full of energy. To see so many smiling, happy dogs, especially our own two, always picks us up. We can never be sad there. So, it was the perfect medicine! Also, one of our favorite dinners, delicious gyros at the best place in the valley, helped too!

I have the baby shower that my friend is going to through for me next month to look forward.

I have being a mom to look forward to!!

I KNOW WE WILL BE PARENTS!!!

the worst case scenario

We didn't get chosen again. Third time.

Strangely, our feeling is more one of relief than sadness.

Oh, we're sad. No question. Everything we'd heard about the birth mother seemed right for us. We could see it happening. We are ready to be parents.

The relief is just having an answer. We'd been waiting a week. Today, Angie was particularly on edge, because we knew we'd get some kind of answer. It took all her will power to stay calm. I gave her little tasks to do around the house until she left for work. Just things to keep her mind occupied, or at least her body while her mind was running a thousand miles a minute.

The reason I call this post "the worst case scenario," is that this is really what it is. We're either chosen or not. The worst case scenario is not being chosen. We've experienced it before, we know what it feels like, and it's not great, but it's OK. It's survivable. It's just more waiting.

Apparently, we were the second choice, which is good. The reason the birth mother didn't choose us is something that we simply cannot, or will not, change about our lives. And we're fine with that. It means, very clearly, that this was not the right situation for us. But the right one is already on its way.

Rather than just wait, we're going to make a list. The last things we need to do to really be prepared. Final preparations in the room. Making sure the car seats are clean and ready. And a few extra things. We're probably going to create adoption profiles and printed cards. It's now been just over a year of waiting, and we need to feel like we're putting some of this process back in our own hands.

So now is a time for regrouping and more preparations.

That's a worst case scenario I can live with.

metaphors about waiting

There’s a classic image in old movies when a woman is going to give birth. While Mother disappears behind a set of swinging doors, surrounded by doctors and nurses, Father paces the waiting room, wondering if Mom and Junior are safe.

I can’t quite say it’s like that for me right now, but it’s pretty close. Angie typically experiences the high emotions, or rather a more intense version of the various emotions we’ve been going through. The longing, frustration, sadness, joy, excitement, nervousness. Meanwhile, I metaphorically pace. Meaning, I try to find some way to channel all these same emotions. Angie experiences them, and I pace them out. Dive into work, read a book, read a magazine, clean up the kitchen, watch TV, check email, Twitter. All the distractions you can think of. While she’s blogging, and building a small community of adoptive parents both online and in the real world, I’m business as usual, but more so.

But that doesn’t mean I’m not feeling it too. Everyone has their coping mechanism. I think it’s more typical of men to look outside for theirs, and women to turn inside. Regardless, I’ve recently taken up the practice of meditation in the mornings. I find 6 minutes is about as much as I can handle for the time being, though I’d love to build up to 10 one day. I’m by no means perfect... they call the scattered thoughts that bounce around your head “monkey mind,” and mine is the monkeyest. But I do find that if I’m at least consistent, it sets the tone of the day as positive, and that can carry through all the other stuff that crops up.

At the end of the day, we lie in bed and share a short list of things we’re grateful for. It’s usually the same things every night, with minor variations depending on what’s happened in the past day or so. Again, it’s a nice way to cap off the day and to remain focused on the positive, no matter what’s gone on during waking hours. I find I’ve been sleeping better too.

This past week, the biggest thing we’re grateful for is, of course, that we’ve been presented to a birth mother. We’ve been waiting for an answer since last Tuesday, but I keep trying to remind myself that no news is good news. Every time we’ve been presented in the past, we got the “no” within a few hours. So this is by far the longest time we’ve been stuck in this limbo. Today, literally today, we could start the day as we normally do, and end it as parents. It’s pretty wild.

I feel like Luke heading into the Death Star canyon: “Stay on target... stay on target.” There’s clocks floating around my head. Calendar pages flipping past. And every other cliche about the passage of time.

I decided to wear a t-shirt today in honor of the occasion. It’s got an image of a Scrabble hand that’s all high-value consonants. Q, Z, X, etc. Everyone who sees the shirt who plays Scrabble immediately “ooohs,” and then realizes what’s missing. There’s no vowels. You’ve got a great set of letters but possibly no way to use them. Success or a missed turn depends entirely on outside forces: what’s on the board, or what the other player lays down in their turn. That is possibly the best metaphor for our situation. We have a lot to be grateful for, but we’re at the mercy of outside forces.

So no wonder I’m pacing the waiting room like an expectant Dad. Cause that’s exactly what I am.

Presenting again.

Got a call from our Social Worker on Wednesday saying "We have a birthmom that we want to present you to, let me tell you about her and the situation." Oh my goodness! My heart started to speed up and my stomach had butterflies! All the info she told me sounded fine to me and I wanted to yell "Yes! Please, go ahead!" But I knew I needed to call Glenn first and our SW agreed. So I did and he got off a business call right away when I told him there was a possible birthmom! He and I talked and felt good about giving the green light to move ahead. But we had just taken a new photo we wanted to use instead (see above, that's it) and we made some changes to our profile. My SW said I could bring it by her office the next morning. This mom has not delivered yet, so there is some time.


That whole night we kept our excited energy. We did some major praying and meditating to calm ourselves. We went to services to get some extra support and got it in spades! Everyone is so positive and encouraging. We love the philosophy they teach to stay in the moment and focus on all the blessings we already have. WE are more then enough whatever happens. It will happen. We will be parents. We must continue to believe that always.

So that is the foundation that has got me to tonight, sitting here writing this at 1:30 in the morning. It's not that I can't sleep. I've been on other adoption blogs and discussion boards for hours. It really helps to read about others who have gone through or are going through the same thing.

I have not received a call from my SW since Wednesday AM. I called and left a message this AM but wonder that she might be out for the holiday weekend. She was so great when I went to give her our new info and pix. She wanted to help make our profile perfect for this birthmom to choose us. It made me feel good and supported by her! But now, I wish she would have called even if to say, "She's still thinking it over and will let us know next week." Something like that would have been nice.

Even though I'm still working and going about my life, my mind sure can wander at times. Here are some random thoughts that have gone through my head since we found out we are being presented again for the 3rd time:

--
- Please I hope this is the one!
- I feel good about this one. It just feels right and would be so perfect.
- Don't think that way and get your hopes up too much or else you'll be really disappointed.
- Third times the charm.
- I wonder what she is doing right now.
- If we don't get chosen, some other parents or parent will get to have their dream come true. That will be nice for them.
- I wonder what the other potential adoptive parents who were also presented are thinking. (I feel a connection with them.)
- I pray the birthmom will be at peace with her decision and have strength as she makes this very important decision.
- Our whole life could change any day now!
- I think about the baby and their journey to this planet.
--

All day Thursday while I was with the 2 boys I nanny for I kept thinking, what will I do if she calls? I had my cell phone on my body every second. If the phone rang, my heart raced. But it was never her! I kept imagining how I would tell Glenn the good news.

I'm still on pins and needles, waiting and wondering when we will find out. Even if it's not our time, knowing, is better than not knowing.

It's obvious that I really, really hope for this to be our baby! I can handle it if it's not but will be sad, of course. I will feel that and go on knowing it wasn't meant to be. But I really hope this is it! Part of why it would be so perfect is Thursday was our 8th wedding Anniversary. We still went out and celebrated! Our mind and conversation did turn to the adoption quite a bit but we actually we were really calm and happy and just enjoyed our time together.

We continued with our annual Anniversary tradition and returned to the place we got married. (The Castaway in the Burbank Hills) Every year we return to the same Gazebo we were married in and we restate our original vows and add new ones that pertain to that current year. We like to say "We renew the contract." This year was so special and emotional. We felt so connected and in love!

I'm so grateful for my husband and our marriage. He truly is my best friend. I would marry him all over again. I guess I do every year! I would not want to be on this journey with anyone else.

I'm so grateful to all the support we receive from friends and family. My dear friend Dana is going to throw me a Baby Shower next month! I can't wait. How fun it will be to all our friends and family together to celebrate our adoption and our baby. I sure hope the baby will be here before then. If the baby does not, come it's okay. I'd rather be more prepared and together then not.

Another thing that would make this match so nice is that it was exactly 1 year ago that we officially started the adoption process. When I first started this blog. It was our anniversary present to ourselves. Getting our baby would be the best present ever!! It's not due until sometime in October. My birthday is October 2nd. I want nothing more than to be a Mommy for my birthday!

The Rainbow Connection

After our Adoptive Parents Group, my husband and I browsed around the Borders bookstore that it took place at. We both love books!! We are suckers for any used book sales and we love to stop at yard sales and see what books there are. That day he found a great find on sale and had to get it. It's a small little book with a green trim and photo of Kermit the Frog. The title is: It's Not Easy Being Green and other Things to Consider. By Jim Henson, The Muppets & Friends.

What a huge fan we both are of Jim Henson and his genius! What an influence he has had on us are whole lives. When I think of him I can't help to smile. He was so talented, so creative, so full of compassion and joy. He was an educator, a big hearted, human being. He was a friend to all. I remember when he passed away and they had the tribute show for him with all the Muppets. I sat on my couch and just cried. I felt the loss of his pure desire to bring joy to others. His desire to bridge any gaps that remained between us silly humans. His Monsters and Muppets opened our minds and heart. He was the real deal, as I like to say. He had such passion for his work. He was so lucky to be able to do what he loved and to be so successful at it. We were so lucky to have had him! He will live on forever!!

I've been reading our new book. It's a collection of quotes, stories, anecdotes, songs & insights from Jim himself via some of his amazing characters and from people who worked with him and other friends and people who knew him or where just influenced by his art. It's a funny, sweet and inspiring book. Many familiar songs and quotes that bring back such great memories.

As I read the lyrics to one of his most famous songs from the brilliant film "The Muppet Movie" it effected me in a whole new way. It made me think of our adoption process. About the waiting and wondering about our birth mom and our future baby. I wonder where she is and what she is doing and how she is feeling. I wonder what our baby will be like. What will it look like? I keep dreaming of that day that I hold our little one for the first time. So here are the lyrics and see what connection you make to the words this time.

THE RAINBOW CONNECTION

WHY ARE THERE SO MANY SONGS ABOUT RAINBOWS,
AND WHAT'S ON THE OTHER SIDE?
RAINBOWS ARE VISIONS, BUT ONLY ILLUSIONS,
AND RAINBOWS HAVE NOTHING TO HIDE.
SO WE'VE BEE TOLD
AND SOME CHOOSE TO BELIEVE IT.
I KNOW THEY'RE WRONG, WAIT AND SEE.
SOMEDAY WE'LL FIND IT, THE RAINBOW CONNECTION,
THE LOVERS, THE DREAMERS, AND ME.

WHO SAID THAT EVERY WISH WOULD BE HEARD AND ANSWERED,
WHEN WISHED ON THE MORNING STAR?
SOMEBODY THOUGHT OF THAT , AND SOMEONE BELIEVED IT.
LOOK WHAT IT'S DONE SO FAR.
WHAT'S SO AMAZING THAT KEEPS US STARGAZING,
AND WHAT DO WE THINK WE MIGHT SEE?
SOMEDAY WE'LL FIND IT, THE RAINBOW CONNECTION,
THE LOVERS, THE DREAMERS, AND ME.

Twitter Moms: The Influential Moms Network

First Adoptive Parents Group

This past Saturday was the very first ADOPTIVE PARENTS GROUP that I organized through Meetup.com. We have 10 official members (12 including me and my husband)! There were only four (5 including the adorable 2 year old of one of the parents) there but it was great! Such open, honest and real people! I was grateful for their candor and desire to share and listen to others about their journey with adoption. Eacht story is truly unique, yet beautiful! I look forward to my relationship growing with these people. I especially look forward to more people being at the next meeting in Septemeber and for even more parents to join the group. I'm busy getting the word out. Going to post flyers and do the whole web networking thing! Will also post a listing in adoptive families magazine if I can!

I wanted to find a support group for adoptive parents and there just wasn't any near me. So, I went and started one myself! It feels so good! I'm really proud of myself for making this group happen. It was a goal of mine and it has been achieved!

Two of the moms that I've started communicating with through emails that I've met on adoptive family websites have been matched!! They've been waiting a really long time. I'm so thrilled and happy for them! There was no pang of envy this time. Only validation that it does happens for others and it will happen for us!

I will admit during a brief bout of PMS this past month, I got emotional and felt that yearning for our child, so deep to the core of my being. It felt good to cry and allow myself to feel it. I can tell you that it is possible to love someone you have not even met. To miss them and want to hold them and love them. I feel so full of love already for our baby that I could just burst! I have all this love to share. So that's what I'm doing. Sharing it! Starting this group helps. To be there and share with others who understand the journey. I'm also volunteering more so I can share of myself and be of service. To get outside of myself and connect with others. Also making plans to visit with friends & family more helps too.

I am enjoying every minute with my husband. I am a complete person. I am a wife, a sister, an Aunt, a daugther-in-law, a friend and mom to our pets. All these roles are so important to me and I cherish them. All the relationships I have add such value to my life. They help to make up who I am. So they must be nurtured. They help me be a better me and that will make me a better mother.