Here is the book I'm currently reading. I sort of skimmed it a first because I borrowed it but now am taking my time and really enjoying it. Very informative and inspiring! Even though I haven't met her yet. I already love our Birth mother and have such respect for her and the difficult decision she will make.

What the ???

OMG! I checked the news on line today like I do every day and the headlines were about a woman who conceived another baby while already pregnant!!! What the ______?!! It's very rare they say but has happened before. I will admit that it felt like a blow to the stomach. Here I am, having had 3 miscarriages and not able to get pregnant again for almost 2 years now and almost 44 years old, so the chances are getting smaller and smaller and then to read this!! OUCH! It sure doesn't seem fair!

It also reminds me of my last pregnancy. I made it to just about 11 1/2 weeks. They say after 12 weeks the chances of miscarriage drop drastically. So we were feeling like we were in the clear. The heartbeat was strong and looked well. On one of the last ultra sound appointments, they found another sac growing also and my OB/GYN even brought in her partner to take a look because she was so baffled by it. They said how rare that is. We made jokes about me having 3 cats and maybe having a "litter" rubbed off on me. They said it would be one for the books, that's for sure. I left feeling so special and like it was a miracle. If it was two babies, we would have been doubling blessed. Then just one week later at my next appointment the ultra sound showed no heartbeat and that they were now misshaped and I was having a miscarriage. In just one week's time, from feeling so elated and full of joy to the full other end of the spectrum. Complete heartbreak and devastation. It will be two years ago this December it happened. I have done much grieving and healing in that time period and am grateful for the strength we have gained from that experience. That doesn't mean I'm glad it happened. I still wish it didn't, but it is what is and life goes on. We still have our love. We have decided not to be defined by just that. We are so much more.

Hearing about this woman was just a bit surprising. I'm finally getting better at hearing news of others pregnancies but this is just a bit too much! Comparing lives to others doesn't help at all. That's her path and I'm on mine! I am just going to focus on the little one that is going to be ours through adoption. Just hope to be matched soon! Getting tired of the waiting!! Just had to vent! On to enjoy my day now!

Support Group

Glenn & I went to a Pre-adoption support group tonight. I've had a cold these last couple of days and not feeling well but since it was the first meeting of 8, I really wanted to make the effort. Even though my head my all stuffy, I'm really glad I went.

It's a group for parents who have dealt with infertility or not able to have kids who are in the process of adopting or considering adopting. It was recommended to us by our adoption agency. It is run by a therapist who specializes in this subject. She is a mother of two. Her first was adopted, her second was by an egg donor. She also deals with that family choice and surrogacy in her practice.

It was a small intimate group in the therapist'soffice. Two other couples and one single woman. I went wanting to meet others going through the unique journey of adoption and I'm always open to learning more and gaining new insights.

Both of us were glad we went. Listening to one of the couples, who are waiting to be matched in domestic adoption like we are, share their emotional roller coaster they've dealt with was sad and touching. I always love when people can allow themselves to be so honest and raw. The other couple are just starting to investigate the possibility of adoption. Same for the single women.

When we meet people for the first time it's hard not have that little voice in your head making opinions and judgments about them. Not too cool, but it's normal and what we do. Then what I love, is that once you start talking and getting to know them, you were not right in your opinions. They surprise you with who they are. That is exciting and reminds me why it's not a good idea to make quick judgments. That's why I went into this support group with an open mind and ready to receive whatever I could from the other people and the therapist.

After it ended, I felt really good about all we have done to educate ourselves. It was a reminder of what a painful and rough journey we've been through and yet we seem to have the ability to continue to go on and remain faithful, positive and with our sense of humor in tact. I admire that about us! I'm proud of us. We are strong and I believe have become even stronger through all this.

On the car ride home we were inspired to open up more about some of our own fears and worries and able to dissipate them some just by opening up and talking. We are fully aware being adoptive parents will be challenging. We are ready and know there will always be more to learn. Just like any parents. Sometimes you learn as you go along, no matter how prepared you think you are. Once you're in it, is when the real schooling begins.

Lord, know it has not always been easy. Actually there have been times, it down right sucks and is SO painful and frustrating! But bottom line, we knew that going in. We were well informed and went for the ride anyway. I'm talking about the adoption process. I will admit I was not at all prepared for having 3 miscarriages. Total surprise and there is no way to know how to deal with that kind of heartache other than just going through it. Thank goodness we had a great therapist at the time and we have such honest communication.

This Saturday is the second meeting of the Adoptive Parents Group I started. More members have joined! I'm really looking forward to it! No professionals. Just us grownups talking and sharing. Totally informal. I'll let you know how it goes!

9-9-09

Nine has always been one of my lucky numbers. So, I plan on enjoying this day. I woke up thinking of the parents that did get chosen this time and had their dream come true with a new son. I'm happy for them. I understand what they must have gone through too.

I think of the baby getting a good home. He will be loved and well taken care of. That makes me happy. I'm getting to know more and more adoptive and waiting adoptive parents on websites for adoption. I feel like part of the group. We all understand and support each other. I appreciate their kindness and words of encouragement. Same thing for all my friends and family. I know everyone is rooting is for us.

I'm having my next adoptive parents group that I started on Sept. 26 that I look forward to also.

So, much love and good energy all around me!

I'm so thankful!

not the chosen ones

It's very disappointing. A bummer. A downer. It sucks! No other way to put it! Don't need to sugarcoat it. Would have much rather been chosen and knowing our baby was coming to us. But the birthmom did not feel we are the right ones to raise her son. Yes. It was a boy. I respect her decision. Of course I know we would have been great parents but I know she has to feel right about it. Some friends meaning to be supportive have said things like "She's an idiot if she doesn't choose you!" or "She'd be a fool not to pick you guys!." I know they mean well but really I don't agree. If it's not right, then it's not right. I want her to feel right about us or I wouldn't feel right. When I think of the birthmom of our future child I only have great love and respect.

Yes, perhaps if she knew us like our friends who made those comments did, she would choose us. That is one of the frustrating things about adoption. Her first decision is made from a piece of paper with written words about us and a photograph. So we are going to take some matters into our own hands and create a better profile and post it on a site specifically for prospective adoptive parents. It will make me feel good, knowing we are doing something and putting it out into the world more!

I will admit that I was a basket case this morning. I am not the kind of person to get nervous. I was darn near close to having a full blown anxiety attack!! Glenn had to talk and soothe me down. But it was good I got it all out in the AM. Shedding tears and talking about it with Glenn really helped. We had been waiting really since Tuesday night, wondering if this was our turn! So, when our Social Worker finally called today at 3:30pm I was more than ready to know one way or another. It was a relief to get the news, even though it was not the news we had hoped for, it felt so much better to know. BIG sigh of relief! Now we can get back to waiting. We know how to do that and are very good at it.

We eased the disappointment by taking our beloved, adorable dogs to the dog park. We call it the happiest place on earth! We love Disneyland but the dog park is just pure fun and full of energy. To see so many smiling, happy dogs, especially our own two, always picks us up. We can never be sad there. So, it was the perfect medicine! Also, one of our favorite dinners, delicious gyros at the best place in the valley, helped too!

I have the baby shower that my friend is going to through for me next month to look forward.

I have being a mom to look forward to!!

I KNOW WE WILL BE PARENTS!!!

the worst case scenario

We didn't get chosen again. Third time.

Strangely, our feeling is more one of relief than sadness.

Oh, we're sad. No question. Everything we'd heard about the birth mother seemed right for us. We could see it happening. We are ready to be parents.

The relief is just having an answer. We'd been waiting a week. Today, Angie was particularly on edge, because we knew we'd get some kind of answer. It took all her will power to stay calm. I gave her little tasks to do around the house until she left for work. Just things to keep her mind occupied, or at least her body while her mind was running a thousand miles a minute.

The reason I call this post "the worst case scenario," is that this is really what it is. We're either chosen or not. The worst case scenario is not being chosen. We've experienced it before, we know what it feels like, and it's not great, but it's OK. It's survivable. It's just more waiting.

Apparently, we were the second choice, which is good. The reason the birth mother didn't choose us is something that we simply cannot, or will not, change about our lives. And we're fine with that. It means, very clearly, that this was not the right situation for us. But the right one is already on its way.

Rather than just wait, we're going to make a list. The last things we need to do to really be prepared. Final preparations in the room. Making sure the car seats are clean and ready. And a few extra things. We're probably going to create adoption profiles and printed cards. It's now been just over a year of waiting, and we need to feel like we're putting some of this process back in our own hands.

So now is a time for regrouping and more preparations.

That's a worst case scenario I can live with.

metaphors about waiting

There’s a classic image in old movies when a woman is going to give birth. While Mother disappears behind a set of swinging doors, surrounded by doctors and nurses, Father paces the waiting room, wondering if Mom and Junior are safe.

I can’t quite say it’s like that for me right now, but it’s pretty close. Angie typically experiences the high emotions, or rather a more intense version of the various emotions we’ve been going through. The longing, frustration, sadness, joy, excitement, nervousness. Meanwhile, I metaphorically pace. Meaning, I try to find some way to channel all these same emotions. Angie experiences them, and I pace them out. Dive into work, read a book, read a magazine, clean up the kitchen, watch TV, check email, Twitter. All the distractions you can think of. While she’s blogging, and building a small community of adoptive parents both online and in the real world, I’m business as usual, but more so.

But that doesn’t mean I’m not feeling it too. Everyone has their coping mechanism. I think it’s more typical of men to look outside for theirs, and women to turn inside. Regardless, I’ve recently taken up the practice of meditation in the mornings. I find 6 minutes is about as much as I can handle for the time being, though I’d love to build up to 10 one day. I’m by no means perfect... they call the scattered thoughts that bounce around your head “monkey mind,” and mine is the monkeyest. But I do find that if I’m at least consistent, it sets the tone of the day as positive, and that can carry through all the other stuff that crops up.

At the end of the day, we lie in bed and share a short list of things we’re grateful for. It’s usually the same things every night, with minor variations depending on what’s happened in the past day or so. Again, it’s a nice way to cap off the day and to remain focused on the positive, no matter what’s gone on during waking hours. I find I’ve been sleeping better too.

This past week, the biggest thing we’re grateful for is, of course, that we’ve been presented to a birth mother. We’ve been waiting for an answer since last Tuesday, but I keep trying to remind myself that no news is good news. Every time we’ve been presented in the past, we got the “no” within a few hours. So this is by far the longest time we’ve been stuck in this limbo. Today, literally today, we could start the day as we normally do, and end it as parents. It’s pretty wild.

I feel like Luke heading into the Death Star canyon: “Stay on target... stay on target.” There’s clocks floating around my head. Calendar pages flipping past. And every other cliche about the passage of time.

I decided to wear a t-shirt today in honor of the occasion. It’s got an image of a Scrabble hand that’s all high-value consonants. Q, Z, X, etc. Everyone who sees the shirt who plays Scrabble immediately “ooohs,” and then realizes what’s missing. There’s no vowels. You’ve got a great set of letters but possibly no way to use them. Success or a missed turn depends entirely on outside forces: what’s on the board, or what the other player lays down in their turn. That is possibly the best metaphor for our situation. We have a lot to be grateful for, but we’re at the mercy of outside forces.

So no wonder I’m pacing the waiting room like an expectant Dad. Cause that’s exactly what I am.