Our Babymoon

My hubby and I just went away for an extended weekend with our dogs. It was a mini-vacation that we are hoping will be our Babymoon. That's the last trip you take together as a couple before the baby comes. We rented a cabin in the hills of Julian, California which is in San Diego County. It was just lovely. We brought the dogs because this cabin is geared for dogs to run around and play. Since we don't have a big backyard we knew they would love to roam around all that land and they sure did! They ran and dug holes and played and were just in doggie nirvana. It was glorious to watch. We also were able to nap and relax and BBQ and sit by the fireplace at night and connect and be romantic. It was a magical 3 days.

Our thoughts were filled with how much more fun it will be when we have our child with us. It will be more challenging and more to pack but so worth it. We talked about the many trips and vacations we took as children growing up and look forward to making those kinds of memories with our kids. I love traveling and the new facets of my personality it brings forth. I love experiencing new places and people and cultures. Even if it's just a few hours drive away I get a feeling of being away from it all and find the time to exhale and get a new perspective on my life. It's invigorating!

I also love antiquing and discovering old treasures in small over crowded little shops and antique malls in the small towns we find along the little winding roads or highways. You never know what you may find in them. I like the feeling of time gone by and the unknown memories the piece holds. I like yard sales for the same reason. Oh and getting a good bargain is nice too! These are things that my mother loved and instilled in me. I hope to also pass along this tradition of hunting for bargains and appreciating items that were once loved and now it's their time to move along to a new place. To see the value in all things and to find the story behind them. To observe people and to see that we are all connected and really the same at heart. These are things I think of when I visit new places.

I can't wait to hit the road with my little one and watch them grow and gain so much knowledge from all the places we'll travel to and the people we'll meet along the way!

Spring Holidays

Well, Passover & Easter have come and gone. We enjoyed them both, as we always do. Went to a lovely Seder which is that like a Jewish Thanksgiving. Good food, good people and an historical story to tell and remember. Also a time to be grateful. It's also a time for family and friends. We know ours will be bigger soon. We were able to be a part of a huge Easter egg hunt and seeing all the kids so excited was just adorable. I love seeing them all dressed up. Little boys in their sweater vests and ties and the girls in their pretty dresses. So sweet. Glenn and I just watched with big smiles on our faces knowing we would be watching our kids doing the same thing soon. We look forward to sharing with our children these wonderful traditions and teaching them the importance and special meaning each holiday holds for us. How fun it will be having our little one search for the hidden Afikoman and opening the door to let Elijah in at a Seder. How thrilling to hide eggs around our place for the little one to find. Hmmm. Similar traditions of "searching for something lost and then the joy in finding it." Symbolic. Wonderful!

I've had a big transformation lately. I'm feeling so much more at peace and much lighter. For so long, I've been "crazy lady, obsessed with being a mom" that I lost sight of who I was. I am Angela. I am me. I must not and cannot forget that. I must remember and know exactly who I am before our baby comes, so that 18 to 20 years later when they leave, I'm not a lost, empty woman wondering what happened to me. So, I'm really letting go of the the past and being in each moment. I'm more fully present and feel so grateful and happy. I'm also looking into things I can do to share with others and feel connected. So, I'm starting a local support group for adoptive parents. I'm really excited about it and already have a couple interested parties. It will start slowly and grow. Looking into ways to pamper and care for myself more and also be more active and productive. I'm not waiting for the phone to ring with that call that a birth mom has chosen us. I know it will happen when it's suppose to happen, however it will happen with the right person. I feel a big relief with this realization and shift in perception. I'm feel more authentically me.

My life is so good! I have an attitude of gratitude!!

The waiting is the hardest part!

Still waiting. I feel in limbo. I want to be a mom so much!!! It's not in my control. I can do nothing but wait. It's very frustrating, sad, upsetting and odd. The not knowing can drive you crazy!! We are sure keeping busy but we are filled with anticipation of becoming parents. Our minds and hearts are all about that. So it seems everything else is a distraction. We are focusing on really appreciating this time we have 'before the kids" when it's just us. Trying to bond more as a couple and work out any kinks we still have. We want to be the best us we can be, as individuals and as a couple. So, we do the work needed and we wait. It's hard, there is not denying it. The waiting is the hardest part. (Yes, I can hear the Tom Petty song in my head too.)

Still waiting!

It's been 38 days since we met with the adoption social worker and it feels like longer. Patience is a virtue but it's bloody hard when you are longing for something with all your being! But I keep saying "Trust in the flow of the Universe." I've also found a great new tool that brings me such hope and inspiration. It's a half hour TV show called "Adoption Stories" on Discovers/Health Channel. I love it. Glenn and I watch some together and get emotional and know it will happen to us.

We also made some baby purchases. (Thank you, Craig's list!). A Co-sleeper and Pack and Play. We're getting a car seat and sling from a friend today and my sister-in-law has been very generous with so many things. A bassinet, diaper bags, and lots of clothes. So has my good friend and mom to my GodSon. I'm so grateful! Another friend suggested giving me a baby shower! Wow! That would be amazing! So, we may register somewhere, like Babies R us or Target. The Social worker suggested doing this also.

We've also put the word out that we are avail for babysitting more to our pals with kids. Because it's so fun and gets us better prepared and we want to be there for support and build a good support team!

So, getting more and more excited with each day and also more and more aware of all our freedom now that may soon be gone. So an impromptu date last night was fun. Things like that that won't be so easy once baby is here. But we won't complain! We are homebodies at heart really. Our hearts and home is so very ready to receive our new addition to the family. We're getting the dogs ready too by more training. They are such gentle beings. Love them so much!

Going to go babysit one of our lil buddies right now.

...and now back to our regularly scheduled waiting

We've dotted every i and crossed every t, and now we settle in for the Big Wait.

But we're not just sitting on our hands, we're starting to prep the house for our eventual new arrival. As Angie has said many a time, it's like being pregnant but not knowing how long it will take.

Last weekend, I started the process of clearing the office so it can also become a guest room, to let the now guest room become the baby's room. The first thing I did was clean up my old desktop PC of any leftover files, then broke it down, salvaged all the parts that are useful, and dropped it off at an e-cycling place. With the box, keyboard, monitor, and speakers gone, there's a surprising amount more room in the office. I'm not sorry to see the PC era end in our house, as I'm now a Mac devotee (much to the shock of "2003 Glenn").

We have an open space under our stairs that is blocked by the sofa. Until now it's just been a blank area, gathering dust. But we have to get rid of some bookshelves in the office, so I took a couple small collapsing shelves we had against the living room window, moved them under the stairs, and put all my writing books, Angie's acting books and plays, and our spirituality stuff on those shelves. Now that space feels like a cozy little book nook, and I could even see putting an area rug back there. Someday it'll be a great spot for a play area for our child, as it kinda feels like a secret fort.

Next is figuring out what to do with the two desks. My mom gave us an idea of taking off the sliding doors to the closet in the baby's room to open the space up, and I think we'll do that in the office as well, so perhaps the rolltop will go in the closet. I like both desks a lot for different reasons, and can't imagine getting rid of either one. By ousting 2 of the 3 bookshelves, and the cat tree that's falling apart, plus moving a desk into the closet area, I think we could even fit a small couch, daybed, or futon in the office.

We're managing to secure a lot of needed furniture from friends and family, but are also digging through craigslist to find anything else we might want. The big necessity is a changing table or dresser, or combination of both.

We moved the bed in the baby's room to the corner and filled the bookshelf in there with all the kids' books Angie's collected over the years. No shortage of books in our house, that's for sure. I always think books make a house feel like a home. And I find homes without books to feel kind of sterile and empty.

Two weeks ago we went to the local library and even checked out some books, several on adoption. One of them is a compilation of adoption parent stories that we've been reading to each other when it's not too late at night. It's all certainly making us feel more and more the reality of the situation - both the benefits and challenges of adoption.

There's lots for us to do as we wait, so that it doesn't feel so... "waity."

It's becoming apparent that we will be parents.

First off, Happy New Year! I'm feeling so excited about 2009. This will be the year we become parents. So much has happened already. I felt so proud of my country as we welcomed our new president into office. It was such a thrilling day to see all the people who weathered the cold to be there in person on the mall in Washington D.C. I'm so grateful that our child will come into the world with a man like Barack Obama as our leader. It was a day that I will not soon forget. It was a spectacular moment in history! One that instilled me with so much hope. Hope for the future.

We got final approval for adoption and are officially in "the book" for birth mothers to choose from. We met with our new social worker who we just clicked with and are so glad she will be on this journey with us. I will admit that I was a little nervous on our way to meet her, not knowing what she would be like and feeling such an importance in her role in our life. But I felt so comfortable with her right away. She told us that we got our home study completed in record time. That some people take a year just to get all their paper work done. We were too eager for any fooling around and got to action fast. She also said that our Family Profile was exceptional too. It's good to hear because we worked so hard on all the details and shared so openly about ourselves. She also told us there are things we can do to connect with potential birth moms by putting the word out to all we know. Because you never know if you will know someone, who knows someone, who knows someone and so on who may know a woman investigating the option of adoption. I already called my OB/GYN about it and will make more calls to all our doctors.

I wrote our "Dear Birth Mom" letter recently and that was very emotional. Such an odd, yet amazing process it was. Here I was writing to a total stranger that could potentially venture into such an intimate and unique relationship with us. When I wrote about what kind of parents we would be, it just felt so real and exciting. When Glenn read the letter he got emotional also. I was a little worried about writing it and even thought I should just have Glenn do it since he's the better writer between us, but I just felt the inspiration one night and wrote it in one sitting. It came from my heart and I felt very proud of it. Of course, Glenn proofread it.

I know it will be full of challenges but I also know that we will make such wonderful parents. It's something we were both born to be! No doubt about it. And now as it could happen any time between now and 6 months, so many of our thoughts and conversations are geared towards our future as parents.

We want everything to be ready for him or her when they arrive, so we are starting that process. We are also discussing what to say and do when it comes to how we want to handle telling the details of the birth mom and the actual adoption story to others. Part of the reason I wanted to write this blog was to share the process with family and friends and anyone else interested in the amazing journey of adoption. But now as it grows nearer, our parental protective instincts are kicking in. We want to do the very best thing for our child. So that is why we are doing much research and reading all we can from other adoptive parents and children and also from experts in the field. We feel it's best to not share intimate details about the birth mom's situation or history or how the process may unfold with anyone other than our child. It should remain their story to decide to tell when they are older. We know how much those that love us will understand and support this decision because it is best for our child. So, even though we normally are very open people, there comes a time when some things are just better left in the "it's personal" file. This is one of them. It will remain between us, our baby, the birth mom and our social worker. We are still going to blog and share more information about our journey, we just felt best to put that out there now.

Knowing that our baby may come at anytime, I've decided to make a change for the better by getting in better shape so I will have more energy when the baby comes. Especially in my upper body, since I'll be doing a lot of holding and cuddling the wee one. I'll be slinging him or her around with me where ever I go. I won't want want to let them go! I can't wait! I'm also reading books on how to better train and prepare our dogs for when the baby arrives. I'll post more on that another time.

Until next time.

some progress!

The new year has already started quite well with regards to our adoption journey.

We received notice that our home study was officially completed and approved, and we're now "in the system." This was on the first Friday of the new year.

Then we found out who our social worker for the placement process will be. This past week, we met with her. She said most parents don't ask to meet with her, so it was a bit unusual to have an in-person meeting. But she took an hour and a half with us, answered all our questions and then some, and made us feel even more excited and hopeful about our adventure. She's the perfect match to help us - very friendly, open, talkative. And she loves Coffee Bean. We think she'll be a great ally in this next phase.

So a lot of folks have been asking, what is the next phase? Do we just sit and wait for someone to "pick" us?

The answer is yes and no. We're not auditioning for the role of parents (even though it feels like it sometimes), and the prospective birth mothers don't get a giant encyclopedia of waiting parents to weed through. The social worker meets with the birth parents, learns what they feel comfortable with, and then determines which adoptive parents from her roster of clients most closely fit the bill. Sometimes it's a specific attribute, like religion or family life - and sometimes it's a gut feeling, something intangible. Then the social worker gets the adoptive parents involved, and they all work together to make sure the situation is right for everyone - especially the child. These matches can happen very quickly or take months, and sometimes matches that look promising don't happen at all even late into the process.

So there is an element of waiting - a very large element. But we can also do some outreach ourselves. We are considering some advertising options, but more likely will be looking to friends, family, and the larger community to see if we can find a birth mother on our own. Our social worker encouraged us to put it out there - so if you reading this can think of someone who might know someone who might be a birth mother considering adoption... please get in touch with us. We'll be looking to some of the people we know who are involved in social work, or volunteering, or health care.

We're both getting more excited every day, and are talking about how to really transform the guest bedroom into the baby's room (which will require making changes to the office and our bedroom as well). We spent some time at the library today and got some more books on adoption, parenting adoptive kids, etc. The reality is sinking in that sooner, rather than later, we will be bringing a new child into our hearts and lives forever. I even told my coworkers, so they wouldn't be surprised if suddenly one day I had to take some time off for a new baby.

Which brings me to my next point. We're generally very open people, tend to not keep secrets, wear our hearts on our sleeves, and often give out more information than is really necessary. But with respect to our adoption, we must for the sake of our child, set some informational boundaries. Our child's birth story, whatever the details, belong to him or her alone. We, as parents, are merely the keepers of that story. But what we cannot do is be cavalier about it, for a million different reasons. So the reality is, for our friends and family, we are planning to keep that story to ourselves. It's not because we don't trust you, it's because it's simply not our decision to make. We just ask that you be understanding and respectful of that.

All of which is to say that it feels more real than ever now, and all the more exciting.