A Poem I wrote

I wrote this poem a little while after my first miscarriage which was a blighted ovum. That means the sac grows but a baby never does. We were so elated and filled with joy. I told Glenn by giving him an early birthday present telling him I just couldn't wait to give it to him because it's something he's wanted for so long. He opened the bag and it was a baby's bib that read "I love my Daddy." I will never forget the look on his face as he realized what it meant and then I said, "I'm pregnant! We've having a baby!" One of the happiest moment's of my life, to see the man I love, so full of joy and emotion, that the tears just flowed from both of us. Then lots of hugging.
Then at the doctors visit about 6 weeks later to hear the devastating news was just so shocking. It took a while to comprehend it. But I recovered feeling grateful at least now we know I could get pregnant (We had been trying for a year) and believing it would happen again and we would have a biological child.  Two miscarriages later, it has not happened. But we will still get to be parents!! We are so happy we are adopting!!

Writing this poem was therapeutic in my healing process. I'm sharing it for the first time publicly here.
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Blessed One

Though I will never hold you, I couldn’t love you any less

I won’t know what color your eyes were, I can only guess

To wonder who’s smile your would have had, mine or your dad’s

It just gets me at my core sometimes, I’ve never been so sad

I know it will be fine and all will be well

But right now it feels like I’m living in hell

What deep pain I feel for what will never be,

I never thought that this would happen to me

I’ll feel all the feelings, then I will have to let them go

It wasn’t meant to be me they say, but what do they know

Even though you are gone, and never really were

I wish I could have known if you were a him or a her

I will hold this love forever in my heart

Trying to understand why you had to part

Go on your way my baby, my sweet blessed one

I love you so dearly, my almost daughter or son

Written

By Angela Sanders

August 23, 2006

9:37pm

2nd Adoptive Parents Group

Five new members joined and we had a bigger group yesterday at our second meeting! I was so thrilled and excited to listen to everyone share. I'm touched by everyone's honesty and desire to be a great parent. A sweet, interesting mix of folks. A couple of single moms, one single dad (looking into adoption), some who have adopted internationally and some who are waiting to adopt internationally, and one from foster to adopt. We had 4 kids there too, ages 2 to 6. It was good to be in the kids section at the Borders bookstore that sponsors our meeting so they had fun things to occupy them. Because us grown ups can be boring talking our grown up talk!

We talked about finding a better location that is not so public but where kids can play too. Perhaps at a church or synagogue. Will look into it.

I feel so proud that I've created this group. I've worked hard to get more people to join and it's something that I am very passionate about!

I look forward to it growing more and seeing how all the relationships build.

Poem - Legacy of an Adopted Child

Once there were two women
 who never knew each other
One you do not remember
 The other you call mother

Two different lives shaped to make yours one
 One became your guiding star
 The other became your sun

The first gave you life
 And the second taught you to live it
The first gave you a need for love
 And the second was there to give it

One gave you a nationality
 The other gave you a name
One gave you the seed of talent
 The other gave you an aim

One gave you emotions
 The other calmed your fears
One saw your first sweet smile
 The other dried your tears

One made a difficult decision
  it was the best that she could do.
 The other prayed for a child.
And God led her straight to you.

And now you ask me through your tears
 The age old questions through the years
Heredity or Environment - which are you
 the product of

Neither my darling - neither
 Just two different kinds of love

 Anonymous

Here is the book I'm currently reading. I sort of skimmed it a first because I borrowed it but now am taking my time and really enjoying it. Very informative and inspiring! Even though I haven't met her yet. I already love our Birth mother and have such respect for her and the difficult decision she will make.

What the ???

OMG! I checked the news on line today like I do every day and the headlines were about a woman who conceived another baby while already pregnant!!! What the ______?!! It's very rare they say but has happened before. I will admit that it felt like a blow to the stomach. Here I am, having had 3 miscarriages and not able to get pregnant again for almost 2 years now and almost 44 years old, so the chances are getting smaller and smaller and then to read this!! OUCH! It sure doesn't seem fair!

It also reminds me of my last pregnancy. I made it to just about 11 1/2 weeks. They say after 12 weeks the chances of miscarriage drop drastically. So we were feeling like we were in the clear. The heartbeat was strong and looked well. On one of the last ultra sound appointments, they found another sac growing also and my OB/GYN even brought in her partner to take a look because she was so baffled by it. They said how rare that is. We made jokes about me having 3 cats and maybe having a "litter" rubbed off on me. They said it would be one for the books, that's for sure. I left feeling so special and like it was a miracle. If it was two babies, we would have been doubling blessed. Then just one week later at my next appointment the ultra sound showed no heartbeat and that they were now misshaped and I was having a miscarriage. In just one week's time, from feeling so elated and full of joy to the full other end of the spectrum. Complete heartbreak and devastation. It will be two years ago this December it happened. I have done much grieving and healing in that time period and am grateful for the strength we have gained from that experience. That doesn't mean I'm glad it happened. I still wish it didn't, but it is what is and life goes on. We still have our love. We have decided not to be defined by just that. We are so much more.

Hearing about this woman was just a bit surprising. I'm finally getting better at hearing news of others pregnancies but this is just a bit too much! Comparing lives to others doesn't help at all. That's her path and I'm on mine! I am just going to focus on the little one that is going to be ours through adoption. Just hope to be matched soon! Getting tired of the waiting!! Just had to vent! On to enjoy my day now!

Support Group

Glenn & I went to a Pre-adoption support group tonight. I've had a cold these last couple of days and not feeling well but since it was the first meeting of 8, I really wanted to make the effort. Even though my head my all stuffy, I'm really glad I went.

It's a group for parents who have dealt with infertility or not able to have kids who are in the process of adopting or considering adopting. It was recommended to us by our adoption agency. It is run by a therapist who specializes in this subject. She is a mother of two. Her first was adopted, her second was by an egg donor. She also deals with that family choice and surrogacy in her practice.

It was a small intimate group in the therapist'soffice. Two other couples and one single woman. I went wanting to meet others going through the unique journey of adoption and I'm always open to learning more and gaining new insights.

Both of us were glad we went. Listening to one of the couples, who are waiting to be matched in domestic adoption like we are, share their emotional roller coaster they've dealt with was sad and touching. I always love when people can allow themselves to be so honest and raw. The other couple are just starting to investigate the possibility of adoption. Same for the single women.

When we meet people for the first time it's hard not have that little voice in your head making opinions and judgments about them. Not too cool, but it's normal and what we do. Then what I love, is that once you start talking and getting to know them, you were not right in your opinions. They surprise you with who they are. That is exciting and reminds me why it's not a good idea to make quick judgments. That's why I went into this support group with an open mind and ready to receive whatever I could from the other people and the therapist.

After it ended, I felt really good about all we have done to educate ourselves. It was a reminder of what a painful and rough journey we've been through and yet we seem to have the ability to continue to go on and remain faithful, positive and with our sense of humor in tact. I admire that about us! I'm proud of us. We are strong and I believe have become even stronger through all this.

On the car ride home we were inspired to open up more about some of our own fears and worries and able to dissipate them some just by opening up and talking. We are fully aware being adoptive parents will be challenging. We are ready and know there will always be more to learn. Just like any parents. Sometimes you learn as you go along, no matter how prepared you think you are. Once you're in it, is when the real schooling begins.

Lord, know it has not always been easy. Actually there have been times, it down right sucks and is SO painful and frustrating! But bottom line, we knew that going in. We were well informed and went for the ride anyway. I'm talking about the adoption process. I will admit I was not at all prepared for having 3 miscarriages. Total surprise and there is no way to know how to deal with that kind of heartache other than just going through it. Thank goodness we had a great therapist at the time and we have such honest communication.

This Saturday is the second meeting of the Adoptive Parents Group I started. More members have joined! I'm really looking forward to it! No professionals. Just us grownups talking and sharing. Totally informal. I'll let you know how it goes!

9-9-09

Nine has always been one of my lucky numbers. So, I plan on enjoying this day. I woke up thinking of the parents that did get chosen this time and had their dream come true with a new son. I'm happy for them. I understand what they must have gone through too.

I think of the baby getting a good home. He will be loved and well taken care of. That makes me happy. I'm getting to know more and more adoptive and waiting adoptive parents on websites for adoption. I feel like part of the group. We all understand and support each other. I appreciate their kindness and words of encouragement. Same thing for all my friends and family. I know everyone is rooting is for us.

I'm having my next adoptive parents group that I started on Sept. 26 that I look forward to also.

So, much love and good energy all around me!

I'm so thankful!