Dealing with the Holidays

I've been wanting to write for a while but was just not able to find the right words. I'm a big fan of the holiday season. It is usually one of my favorite times of the year. But I must admit, I've been feeling blue this year. For most of the posts I've written so far, I'm usually positive and optimistic. That's the kind of person I am, most of the time anyway. But time to be really honest, and that's why I've been reluctant to write lately, not having our baby here with us to love and celebrate just fills me with sadness. This year is especially hard because it was a year ago on Christmas Eve morning that I had our third miscarriage. A year later and still no baby. We've still been trying the old fashioned way but no luck and now we have to wait for a match for our adoption. I know we will be parents and know that will be the happiest day of our lives!! But right now, I feel the longing. I feel the hole in my heart. Where ever I go, I see parents out shopping for gifts for their children. I see kids getting all excited about Christmas. I want to be a part of that so badly! It's a physical ache!

We spent Thanksgiving with my hubby's family in Arizona. His older sister has three kids. One is just 3 months. She is beautiful and just a sweetheart. I love all my nieces and nephews and always love to be with them. I have to admit though this trip was filled with a mixture of emotions. It was bittersweet to hold the baby. It filled me with love and hope and also filled me with sadness and longing for one of my own. I'm so grateful that Glenn and I can talk about everything and we help each other to get through it. I feel bad and guilty sometimes because I want to be strong and together. I want everyone to think I'm handling it all so well. But part of the reason I wanted to write this blog was to help me get through the process better and to maybe help others going through the same thing. So, honesty is vital for that to work. So, cards on the table... Sometimes it really sucks!! I've decorated the house for Christmas & Hanukkah but I'm not really looking forward to them. There will be moments of joy but always deep inside that hole will still be there inside me.

When my sweet, generous friends ask, "What do you want or need for a present this year?" all I can say is "I want a baby." Plain and simple. I want to build our baby fund so we can afford the adoption. But there is nothing else in the material world that will bring me the peace and happiness of the season this year. I know it sounds bleak and I hate feeling this way but it's just how I'm feeling tonight. There is always joy to be had and life to be lived but for tonight I'm feeling blue.