Another call!

I got a call from my social worker today saying she wanted to present us to a birth mom that was leaving the hospital today. Were were avail to pick up the baby that afternoon if she chose us? YES!! I said. She told me some details about the mom and baby and I said yes to all of it. I called my hubby right away and he said YES too, of course. I rushed home and we both started getting the room even more ready. He had literally just sold our Queen size bed that was in our former guest room, future nursery. We already planned to use this 4th of July weekend to get the room more organized. Wow! Our hearts were racing and our stomachs full of butterflies. We were told it was a little girl. I looked at all our the lovely clothes so many great friends and family have donated. I couldn't help linger on the girl clothes, wondering if we would really have a little one to wear them by that night!? I wanted to pick the first outfit out that we would bring our baby home in. So full of emotion. Such love is already in my heart for our baby. A giddy, nervous excitement we both felt.

Alas, we were not chosen. The birth mom chose a couple that already have children. She wanted her daughter to have siblings. I can understand that. The feeling in my stomach and chest immediately changed. It sunk. My heart was sad. We were both disappointed but knew it was just not meant to be. Now, still more time to prepare. It's all good. Just intense! Life could change that quickly! So surreal. So beautiful.

This little girl that will not be ours has a good home. That's a good thing. Throughout the day as we waited to hear, we sent loving thoughts and prayers to the birth mom as she made her decision. We also sent love & light to the little baby. We still do. We took many deep, long breaths to calm our nerves. We hugged each other a lot and made lists of what we need and what to do. I'm looking forward to doing them this weekend. We are going to register at Babies R Us and Target. That will be fun!

The baby today is an African-American. We are open to any race or sex. We know we just want a baby to love and will love it with all our hearts, as our own no matter what. Though once we knew it's ethnicity my sweet husband got on line and found some good articles to read about transracial adoption. More good info to have, just in case. We've already read many stories, articles and book and have taken seminars on the subject to prepare but it was good to further discuss possible conversations with others and with our child that we might have. I love that about us. We talk through everything. We are such great partners. I know we will make amazing parents. It was just 7 weeks ago, we were presented to another mom who did not choose us. We are getting closer. I can feel it.

We will be parents!! We will hold that sweet baby and all that we have gone through will just slip away and we will just focus on the magnifence of this perfect being and be in awe of the love we feel for him or her. I get emotional just thinking about. Right now, I just have an attitude of gratitude and will continue to live life with an open, gracious and loving heart.


Still Waiting

It's been 6 weeks since last my post. Much has happened. So much to write. I was thinking about writing on Mother's Day but wanted to just have that be about my own mom. She passed away a year ago, last May 8th.

We spent this year's Mother's Day in nature going for a long 3 hour beautiful hike in the Malibu Hills. Very therapeutic & inspiring. We went down to an amazing Grotto. There were some pretty steep and jagged boulders that we had to maneuver around. It took much focus and step by step action to reach our destination. I realized it was a wonderful metaphor for life. One must take it all one step at a time and be truly present in the moment so you don't loose your balance and get off course. Also, deep breathing helped. We so often get scattered and lose sight of each precious thing that is in front of us. Or else we are so focused on the bright light at the end of the tunnel we miss out on the gems along the way. So, it's all about balance. That is my intent in life. I am not fist clenched, so crazed about wanting our baby right this very minute anymore. I'm just enjoying the journey and knowing the perfect time and birth mom will present itself. I'm not saying it's always easy. I will get to that stuff later. I just want to let you know where I am right now.

Being in a good place really helped with a call we got while our regular social worker was on vacation. I had just spoke with her before her trip and she said it was really slow right then. So, we just didn't expect anything, especially for the two weeks she was out. Well, we got a call from the lady covering for our social worker saying she was presenting our profile to a birthmom that day who had given birth 2 days ago and was leaving the hospital today. She wanted to make sure we would be prepared if we had to come pick up the baby that afternoon! Wow! We were and told her so. We have a car seat and I put it in my trunk, in case. When I called my husband I could hear the excitment in his voice too. He had a business trip coming up and would gladly send someone else in his place. Our stomachs were filled with butterflies all day. Each time my cell phone rang, my heart pace accelerated! It was tense. She called about 9am-ish and it wasn't until almost 5:30pm she finally called back saying we were not chosen.

Major disappointment. Big let down. Sadness. But honestly it was okay. We knew it was just not meant to be. There were no tears, just acceptance, and actually feeling like it was a step closer to getting our baby. It was something, at least. It is now just part of our adoption story. It sure had our minds racing that day and we had a lovely longer walk than normal that evening with the dogs, as we discussed our thoughts and feelings. We made more plans and have been doing more reorganizing in our house and selling things on Craigslist.

Okay, here is the part that can be hard for me. I have a part time gig as a Nanny for 2 amazing boys. Age 4 & almost 9. They are so smart, creative, fun and funny. I enjoy my afernoons with them. I pick them up weekdays afterschool at their nice private school. I believe I'm the only nanny there. It's all moms & a couple of dads & few granddmas . I see all the moms talking, who have become friends through their kids being classmates. I hear their conversations about classes and playdates and parenting and that's where I feel left out. All of them are nice and smile at me and say Hello but I'm clearly not a mom and so therefore they have no need to connect with me. Understandable. It just makes me long for that time when I'm the mom and I can plan play dates and talk about our little one's challenging times with his heavy homework load or what should we do for the weekend. It seems to intensify the missing piece in my life right now. I more aware of the child I don't have. It can make me sad. Sitting in the audience of tee ball and little league games with the parents does the same thing. I sit there with my book and water and just wait to cheer for my little guys. And I do. Being a caregiver for kids that aren't mine does not lessen the special feeling I have for them. The geninue love and pride I fee for them is strong. It assures me what a good mom I will be. Plus, getting ready for 3 grade math homework! Yikes!! I never did like long division!

I'm working on starting a support group for adoptive parents and will tell more about that soon. Joining more message boards on line and gaining more knowledge and hearing more stories. Also reading other blogs on adoption.

All is well. Sending love & light to our birthmom, wherever she is.