Still Waiting

It's been 6 weeks since last my post. Much has happened. So much to write. I was thinking about writing on Mother's Day but wanted to just have that be about my own mom. She passed away a year ago, last May 8th.

We spent this year's Mother's Day in nature going for a long 3 hour beautiful hike in the Malibu Hills. Very therapeutic & inspiring. We went down to an amazing Grotto. There were some pretty steep and jagged boulders that we had to maneuver around. It took much focus and step by step action to reach our destination. I realized it was a wonderful metaphor for life. One must take it all one step at a time and be truly present in the moment so you don't loose your balance and get off course. Also, deep breathing helped. We so often get scattered and lose sight of each precious thing that is in front of us. Or else we are so focused on the bright light at the end of the tunnel we miss out on the gems along the way. So, it's all about balance. That is my intent in life. I am not fist clenched, so crazed about wanting our baby right this very minute anymore. I'm just enjoying the journey and knowing the perfect time and birth mom will present itself. I'm not saying it's always easy. I will get to that stuff later. I just want to let you know where I am right now.

Being in a good place really helped with a call we got while our regular social worker was on vacation. I had just spoke with her before her trip and she said it was really slow right then. So, we just didn't expect anything, especially for the two weeks she was out. Well, we got a call from the lady covering for our social worker saying she was presenting our profile to a birthmom that day who had given birth 2 days ago and was leaving the hospital today. She wanted to make sure we would be prepared if we had to come pick up the baby that afternoon! Wow! We were and told her so. We have a car seat and I put it in my trunk, in case. When I called my husband I could hear the excitment in his voice too. He had a business trip coming up and would gladly send someone else in his place. Our stomachs were filled with butterflies all day. Each time my cell phone rang, my heart pace accelerated! It was tense. She called about 9am-ish and it wasn't until almost 5:30pm she finally called back saying we were not chosen.

Major disappointment. Big let down. Sadness. But honestly it was okay. We knew it was just not meant to be. There were no tears, just acceptance, and actually feeling like it was a step closer to getting our baby. It was something, at least. It is now just part of our adoption story. It sure had our minds racing that day and we had a lovely longer walk than normal that evening with the dogs, as we discussed our thoughts and feelings. We made more plans and have been doing more reorganizing in our house and selling things on Craigslist.

Okay, here is the part that can be hard for me. I have a part time gig as a Nanny for 2 amazing boys. Age 4 & almost 9. They are so smart, creative, fun and funny. I enjoy my afernoons with them. I pick them up weekdays afterschool at their nice private school. I believe I'm the only nanny there. It's all moms & a couple of dads & few granddmas . I see all the moms talking, who have become friends through their kids being classmates. I hear their conversations about classes and playdates and parenting and that's where I feel left out. All of them are nice and smile at me and say Hello but I'm clearly not a mom and so therefore they have no need to connect with me. Understandable. It just makes me long for that time when I'm the mom and I can plan play dates and talk about our little one's challenging times with his heavy homework load or what should we do for the weekend. It seems to intensify the missing piece in my life right now. I more aware of the child I don't have. It can make me sad. Sitting in the audience of tee ball and little league games with the parents does the same thing. I sit there with my book and water and just wait to cheer for my little guys. And I do. Being a caregiver for kids that aren't mine does not lessen the special feeling I have for them. The geninue love and pride I fee for them is strong. It assures me what a good mom I will be. Plus, getting ready for 3 grade math homework! Yikes!! I never did like long division!

I'm working on starting a support group for adoptive parents and will tell more about that soon. Joining more message boards on line and gaining more knowledge and hearing more stories. Also reading other blogs on adoption.

All is well. Sending love & light to our birthmom, wherever she is.