A Poem I wrote

I wrote this poem a little while after my first miscarriage which was a blighted ovum. That means the sac grows but a baby never does. We were so elated and filled with joy. I told Glenn by giving him an early birthday present telling him I just couldn't wait to give it to him because it's something he's wanted for so long. He opened the bag and it was a baby's bib that read "I love my Daddy." I will never forget the look on his face as he realized what it meant and then I said, "I'm pregnant! We've having a baby!" One of the happiest moment's of my life, to see the man I love, so full of joy and emotion, that the tears just flowed from both of us. Then lots of hugging.
Then at the doctors visit about 6 weeks later to hear the devastating news was just so shocking. It took a while to comprehend it. But I recovered feeling grateful at least now we know I could get pregnant (We had been trying for a year) and believing it would happen again and we would have a biological child.  Two miscarriages later, it has not happened. But we will still get to be parents!! We are so happy we are adopting!!

Writing this poem was therapeutic in my healing process. I'm sharing it for the first time publicly here.
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Blessed One

Though I will never hold you, I couldn’t love you any less

I won’t know what color your eyes were, I can only guess

To wonder who’s smile your would have had, mine or your dad’s

It just gets me at my core sometimes, I’ve never been so sad

I know it will be fine and all will be well

But right now it feels like I’m living in hell

What deep pain I feel for what will never be,

I never thought that this would happen to me

I’ll feel all the feelings, then I will have to let them go

It wasn’t meant to be me they say, but what do they know

Even though you are gone, and never really were

I wish I could have known if you were a him or a her

I will hold this love forever in my heart

Trying to understand why you had to part

Go on your way my baby, my sweet blessed one

I love you so dearly, my almost daughter or son

Written

By Angela Sanders

August 23, 2006

9:37pm

2nd Adoptive Parents Group

Five new members joined and we had a bigger group yesterday at our second meeting! I was so thrilled and excited to listen to everyone share. I'm touched by everyone's honesty and desire to be a great parent. A sweet, interesting mix of folks. A couple of single moms, one single dad (looking into adoption), some who have adopted internationally and some who are waiting to adopt internationally, and one from foster to adopt. We had 4 kids there too, ages 2 to 6. It was good to be in the kids section at the Borders bookstore that sponsors our meeting so they had fun things to occupy them. Because us grown ups can be boring talking our grown up talk!

We talked about finding a better location that is not so public but where kids can play too. Perhaps at a church or synagogue. Will look into it.

I feel so proud that I've created this group. I've worked hard to get more people to join and it's something that I am very passionate about!

I look forward to it growing more and seeing how all the relationships build.

Poem - Legacy of an Adopted Child

Once there were two women
 who never knew each other
One you do not remember
 The other you call mother

Two different lives shaped to make yours one
 One became your guiding star
 The other became your sun

The first gave you life
 And the second taught you to live it
The first gave you a need for love
 And the second was there to give it

One gave you a nationality
 The other gave you a name
One gave you the seed of talent
 The other gave you an aim

One gave you emotions
 The other calmed your fears
One saw your first sweet smile
 The other dried your tears

One made a difficult decision
  it was the best that she could do.
 The other prayed for a child.
And God led her straight to you.

And now you ask me through your tears
 The age old questions through the years
Heredity or Environment - which are you
 the product of

Neither my darling - neither
 Just two different kinds of love

 Anonymous

Here is the book I'm currently reading. I sort of skimmed it a first because I borrowed it but now am taking my time and really enjoying it. Very informative and inspiring! Even though I haven't met her yet. I already love our Birth mother and have such respect for her and the difficult decision she will make.

What the ???

OMG! I checked the news on line today like I do every day and the headlines were about a woman who conceived another baby while already pregnant!!! What the ______?!! It's very rare they say but has happened before. I will admit that it felt like a blow to the stomach. Here I am, having had 3 miscarriages and not able to get pregnant again for almost 2 years now and almost 44 years old, so the chances are getting smaller and smaller and then to read this!! OUCH! It sure doesn't seem fair!

It also reminds me of my last pregnancy. I made it to just about 11 1/2 weeks. They say after 12 weeks the chances of miscarriage drop drastically. So we were feeling like we were in the clear. The heartbeat was strong and looked well. On one of the last ultra sound appointments, they found another sac growing also and my OB/GYN even brought in her partner to take a look because she was so baffled by it. They said how rare that is. We made jokes about me having 3 cats and maybe having a "litter" rubbed off on me. They said it would be one for the books, that's for sure. I left feeling so special and like it was a miracle. If it was two babies, we would have been doubling blessed. Then just one week later at my next appointment the ultra sound showed no heartbeat and that they were now misshaped and I was having a miscarriage. In just one week's time, from feeling so elated and full of joy to the full other end of the spectrum. Complete heartbreak and devastation. It will be two years ago this December it happened. I have done much grieving and healing in that time period and am grateful for the strength we have gained from that experience. That doesn't mean I'm glad it happened. I still wish it didn't, but it is what is and life goes on. We still have our love. We have decided not to be defined by just that. We are so much more.

Hearing about this woman was just a bit surprising. I'm finally getting better at hearing news of others pregnancies but this is just a bit too much! Comparing lives to others doesn't help at all. That's her path and I'm on mine! I am just going to focus on the little one that is going to be ours through adoption. Just hope to be matched soon! Getting tired of the waiting!! Just had to vent! On to enjoy my day now!

Support Group

Glenn & I went to a Pre-adoption support group tonight. I've had a cold these last couple of days and not feeling well but since it was the first meeting of 8, I really wanted to make the effort. Even though my head my all stuffy, I'm really glad I went.

It's a group for parents who have dealt with infertility or not able to have kids who are in the process of adopting or considering adopting. It was recommended to us by our adoption agency. It is run by a therapist who specializes in this subject. She is a mother of two. Her first was adopted, her second was by an egg donor. She also deals with that family choice and surrogacy in her practice.

It was a small intimate group in the therapist'soffice. Two other couples and one single woman. I went wanting to meet others going through the unique journey of adoption and I'm always open to learning more and gaining new insights.

Both of us were glad we went. Listening to one of the couples, who are waiting to be matched in domestic adoption like we are, share their emotional roller coaster they've dealt with was sad and touching. I always love when people can allow themselves to be so honest and raw. The other couple are just starting to investigate the possibility of adoption. Same for the single women.

When we meet people for the first time it's hard not have that little voice in your head making opinions and judgments about them. Not too cool, but it's normal and what we do. Then what I love, is that once you start talking and getting to know them, you were not right in your opinions. They surprise you with who they are. That is exciting and reminds me why it's not a good idea to make quick judgments. That's why I went into this support group with an open mind and ready to receive whatever I could from the other people and the therapist.

After it ended, I felt really good about all we have done to educate ourselves. It was a reminder of what a painful and rough journey we've been through and yet we seem to have the ability to continue to go on and remain faithful, positive and with our sense of humor in tact. I admire that about us! I'm proud of us. We are strong and I believe have become even stronger through all this.

On the car ride home we were inspired to open up more about some of our own fears and worries and able to dissipate them some just by opening up and talking. We are fully aware being adoptive parents will be challenging. We are ready and know there will always be more to learn. Just like any parents. Sometimes you learn as you go along, no matter how prepared you think you are. Once you're in it, is when the real schooling begins.

Lord, know it has not always been easy. Actually there have been times, it down right sucks and is SO painful and frustrating! But bottom line, we knew that going in. We were well informed and went for the ride anyway. I'm talking about the adoption process. I will admit I was not at all prepared for having 3 miscarriages. Total surprise and there is no way to know how to deal with that kind of heartache other than just going through it. Thank goodness we had a great therapist at the time and we have such honest communication.

This Saturday is the second meeting of the Adoptive Parents Group I started. More members have joined! I'm really looking forward to it! No professionals. Just us grownups talking and sharing. Totally informal. I'll let you know how it goes!

9-9-09

Nine has always been one of my lucky numbers. So, I plan on enjoying this day. I woke up thinking of the parents that did get chosen this time and had their dream come true with a new son. I'm happy for them. I understand what they must have gone through too.

I think of the baby getting a good home. He will be loved and well taken care of. That makes me happy. I'm getting to know more and more adoptive and waiting adoptive parents on websites for adoption. I feel like part of the group. We all understand and support each other. I appreciate their kindness and words of encouragement. Same thing for all my friends and family. I know everyone is rooting is for us.

I'm having my next adoptive parents group that I started on Sept. 26 that I look forward to also.

So, much love and good energy all around me!

I'm so thankful!

not the chosen ones

It's very disappointing. A bummer. A downer. It sucks! No other way to put it! Don't need to sugarcoat it. Would have much rather been chosen and knowing our baby was coming to us. But the birthmom did not feel we are the right ones to raise her son. Yes. It was a boy. I respect her decision. Of course I know we would have been great parents but I know she has to feel right about it. Some friends meaning to be supportive have said things like "She's an idiot if she doesn't choose you!" or "She'd be a fool not to pick you guys!." I know they mean well but really I don't agree. If it's not right, then it's not right. I want her to feel right about us or I wouldn't feel right. When I think of the birthmom of our future child I only have great love and respect.

Yes, perhaps if she knew us like our friends who made those comments did, she would choose us. That is one of the frustrating things about adoption. Her first decision is made from a piece of paper with written words about us and a photograph. So we are going to take some matters into our own hands and create a better profile and post it on a site specifically for prospective adoptive parents. It will make me feel good, knowing we are doing something and putting it out into the world more!

I will admit that I was a basket case this morning. I am not the kind of person to get nervous. I was darn near close to having a full blown anxiety attack!! Glenn had to talk and soothe me down. But it was good I got it all out in the AM. Shedding tears and talking about it with Glenn really helped. We had been waiting really since Tuesday night, wondering if this was our turn! So, when our Social Worker finally called today at 3:30pm I was more than ready to know one way or another. It was a relief to get the news, even though it was not the news we had hoped for, it felt so much better to know. BIG sigh of relief! Now we can get back to waiting. We know how to do that and are very good at it.

We eased the disappointment by taking our beloved, adorable dogs to the dog park. We call it the happiest place on earth! We love Disneyland but the dog park is just pure fun and full of energy. To see so many smiling, happy dogs, especially our own two, always picks us up. We can never be sad there. So, it was the perfect medicine! Also, one of our favorite dinners, delicious gyros at the best place in the valley, helped too!

I have the baby shower that my friend is going to through for me next month to look forward.

I have being a mom to look forward to!!

I KNOW WE WILL BE PARENTS!!!

the worst case scenario

We didn't get chosen again. Third time.

Strangely, our feeling is more one of relief than sadness.

Oh, we're sad. No question. Everything we'd heard about the birth mother seemed right for us. We could see it happening. We are ready to be parents.

The relief is just having an answer. We'd been waiting a week. Today, Angie was particularly on edge, because we knew we'd get some kind of answer. It took all her will power to stay calm. I gave her little tasks to do around the house until she left for work. Just things to keep her mind occupied, or at least her body while her mind was running a thousand miles a minute.

The reason I call this post "the worst case scenario," is that this is really what it is. We're either chosen or not. The worst case scenario is not being chosen. We've experienced it before, we know what it feels like, and it's not great, but it's OK. It's survivable. It's just more waiting.

Apparently, we were the second choice, which is good. The reason the birth mother didn't choose us is something that we simply cannot, or will not, change about our lives. And we're fine with that. It means, very clearly, that this was not the right situation for us. But the right one is already on its way.

Rather than just wait, we're going to make a list. The last things we need to do to really be prepared. Final preparations in the room. Making sure the car seats are clean and ready. And a few extra things. We're probably going to create adoption profiles and printed cards. It's now been just over a year of waiting, and we need to feel like we're putting some of this process back in our own hands.

So now is a time for regrouping and more preparations.

That's a worst case scenario I can live with.

metaphors about waiting

There’s a classic image in old movies when a woman is going to give birth. While Mother disappears behind a set of swinging doors, surrounded by doctors and nurses, Father paces the waiting room, wondering if Mom and Junior are safe.

I can’t quite say it’s like that for me right now, but it’s pretty close. Angie typically experiences the high emotions, or rather a more intense version of the various emotions we’ve been going through. The longing, frustration, sadness, joy, excitement, nervousness. Meanwhile, I metaphorically pace. Meaning, I try to find some way to channel all these same emotions. Angie experiences them, and I pace them out. Dive into work, read a book, read a magazine, clean up the kitchen, watch TV, check email, Twitter. All the distractions you can think of. While she’s blogging, and building a small community of adoptive parents both online and in the real world, I’m business as usual, but more so.

But that doesn’t mean I’m not feeling it too. Everyone has their coping mechanism. I think it’s more typical of men to look outside for theirs, and women to turn inside. Regardless, I’ve recently taken up the practice of meditation in the mornings. I find 6 minutes is about as much as I can handle for the time being, though I’d love to build up to 10 one day. I’m by no means perfect... they call the scattered thoughts that bounce around your head “monkey mind,” and mine is the monkeyest. But I do find that if I’m at least consistent, it sets the tone of the day as positive, and that can carry through all the other stuff that crops up.

At the end of the day, we lie in bed and share a short list of things we’re grateful for. It’s usually the same things every night, with minor variations depending on what’s happened in the past day or so. Again, it’s a nice way to cap off the day and to remain focused on the positive, no matter what’s gone on during waking hours. I find I’ve been sleeping better too.

This past week, the biggest thing we’re grateful for is, of course, that we’ve been presented to a birth mother. We’ve been waiting for an answer since last Tuesday, but I keep trying to remind myself that no news is good news. Every time we’ve been presented in the past, we got the “no” within a few hours. So this is by far the longest time we’ve been stuck in this limbo. Today, literally today, we could start the day as we normally do, and end it as parents. It’s pretty wild.

I feel like Luke heading into the Death Star canyon: “Stay on target... stay on target.” There’s clocks floating around my head. Calendar pages flipping past. And every other cliche about the passage of time.

I decided to wear a t-shirt today in honor of the occasion. It’s got an image of a Scrabble hand that’s all high-value consonants. Q, Z, X, etc. Everyone who sees the shirt who plays Scrabble immediately “ooohs,” and then realizes what’s missing. There’s no vowels. You’ve got a great set of letters but possibly no way to use them. Success or a missed turn depends entirely on outside forces: what’s on the board, or what the other player lays down in their turn. That is possibly the best metaphor for our situation. We have a lot to be grateful for, but we’re at the mercy of outside forces.

So no wonder I’m pacing the waiting room like an expectant Dad. Cause that’s exactly what I am.

Presenting again.

Got a call from our Social Worker on Wednesday saying "We have a birthmom that we want to present you to, let me tell you about her and the situation." Oh my goodness! My heart started to speed up and my stomach had butterflies! All the info she told me sounded fine to me and I wanted to yell "Yes! Please, go ahead!" But I knew I needed to call Glenn first and our SW agreed. So I did and he got off a business call right away when I told him there was a possible birthmom! He and I talked and felt good about giving the green light to move ahead. But we had just taken a new photo we wanted to use instead (see above, that's it) and we made some changes to our profile. My SW said I could bring it by her office the next morning. This mom has not delivered yet, so there is some time.


That whole night we kept our excited energy. We did some major praying and meditating to calm ourselves. We went to services to get some extra support and got it in spades! Everyone is so positive and encouraging. We love the philosophy they teach to stay in the moment and focus on all the blessings we already have. WE are more then enough whatever happens. It will happen. We will be parents. We must continue to believe that always.

So that is the foundation that has got me to tonight, sitting here writing this at 1:30 in the morning. It's not that I can't sleep. I've been on other adoption blogs and discussion boards for hours. It really helps to read about others who have gone through or are going through the same thing.

I have not received a call from my SW since Wednesday AM. I called and left a message this AM but wonder that she might be out for the holiday weekend. She was so great when I went to give her our new info and pix. She wanted to help make our profile perfect for this birthmom to choose us. It made me feel good and supported by her! But now, I wish she would have called even if to say, "She's still thinking it over and will let us know next week." Something like that would have been nice.

Even though I'm still working and going about my life, my mind sure can wander at times. Here are some random thoughts that have gone through my head since we found out we are being presented again for the 3rd time:

--
- Please I hope this is the one!
- I feel good about this one. It just feels right and would be so perfect.
- Don't think that way and get your hopes up too much or else you'll be really disappointed.
- Third times the charm.
- I wonder what she is doing right now.
- If we don't get chosen, some other parents or parent will get to have their dream come true. That will be nice for them.
- I wonder what the other potential adoptive parents who were also presented are thinking. (I feel a connection with them.)
- I pray the birthmom will be at peace with her decision and have strength as she makes this very important decision.
- Our whole life could change any day now!
- I think about the baby and their journey to this planet.
--

All day Thursday while I was with the 2 boys I nanny for I kept thinking, what will I do if she calls? I had my cell phone on my body every second. If the phone rang, my heart raced. But it was never her! I kept imagining how I would tell Glenn the good news.

I'm still on pins and needles, waiting and wondering when we will find out. Even if it's not our time, knowing, is better than not knowing.

It's obvious that I really, really hope for this to be our baby! I can handle it if it's not but will be sad, of course. I will feel that and go on knowing it wasn't meant to be. But I really hope this is it! Part of why it would be so perfect is Thursday was our 8th wedding Anniversary. We still went out and celebrated! Our mind and conversation did turn to the adoption quite a bit but we actually we were really calm and happy and just enjoyed our time together.

We continued with our annual Anniversary tradition and returned to the place we got married. (The Castaway in the Burbank Hills) Every year we return to the same Gazebo we were married in and we restate our original vows and add new ones that pertain to that current year. We like to say "We renew the contract." This year was so special and emotional. We felt so connected and in love!

I'm so grateful for my husband and our marriage. He truly is my best friend. I would marry him all over again. I guess I do every year! I would not want to be on this journey with anyone else.

I'm so grateful to all the support we receive from friends and family. My dear friend Dana is going to throw me a Baby Shower next month! I can't wait. How fun it will be to all our friends and family together to celebrate our adoption and our baby. I sure hope the baby will be here before then. If the baby does not, come it's okay. I'd rather be more prepared and together then not.

Another thing that would make this match so nice is that it was exactly 1 year ago that we officially started the adoption process. When I first started this blog. It was our anniversary present to ourselves. Getting our baby would be the best present ever!! It's not due until sometime in October. My birthday is October 2nd. I want nothing more than to be a Mommy for my birthday!