A Poem I wrote

I wrote this poem a little while after my first miscarriage which was a blighted ovum. That means the sac grows but a baby never does. We were so elated and filled with joy. I told Glenn by giving him an early birthday present telling him I just couldn't wait to give it to him because it's something he's wanted for so long. He opened the bag and it was a baby's bib that read "I love my Daddy." I will never forget the look on his face as he realized what it meant and then I said, "I'm pregnant! We've having a baby!" One of the happiest moment's of my life, to see the man I love, so full of joy and emotion, that the tears just flowed from both of us. Then lots of hugging.
Then at the doctors visit about 6 weeks later to hear the devastating news was just so shocking. It took a while to comprehend it. But I recovered feeling grateful at least now we know I could get pregnant (We had been trying for a year) and believing it would happen again and we would have a biological child.  Two miscarriages later, it has not happened. But we will still get to be parents!! We are so happy we are adopting!!

Writing this poem was therapeutic in my healing process. I'm sharing it for the first time publicly here.
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Blessed One

Though I will never hold you, I couldn’t love you any less

I won’t know what color your eyes were, I can only guess

To wonder who’s smile your would have had, mine or your dad’s

It just gets me at my core sometimes, I’ve never been so sad

I know it will be fine and all will be well

But right now it feels like I’m living in hell

What deep pain I feel for what will never be,

I never thought that this would happen to me

I’ll feel all the feelings, then I will have to let them go

It wasn’t meant to be me they say, but what do they know

Even though you are gone, and never really were

I wish I could have known if you were a him or a her

I will hold this love forever in my heart

Trying to understand why you had to part

Go on your way my baby, my sweet blessed one

I love you so dearly, my almost daughter or son

Written

By Angela Sanders

August 23, 2006

9:37pm