I want to say so much (which I know I usually do) but this time it's hard to put it into words. I'm so full of emotions. Having the chance to meet with a potential birthmom was intense, lovely, sweet, sad, hopeful, amazing, and a whole list of other descriptive words that I can't seem to find right now. She was just so.. real. Right there in front of us. With her big belly full of a live, kicking baby. It was active alot of the time during the meeting and it was so surreal. I wanted to reach across the table and feel it and ask so many questions. But I refrained. I felt the best thing to do would just try to keep it light for the first meeting. Make it more about getting to know each other and not focus on the baby and try to sell her on what amazing parents we would be. Now in retrospect, I wonder if that was the right thing to do.
We had no guidelines of the dos and donts for this kind of situation. We just winged it. We were told by some other birth moms that I've met on the adoption forums I've become a part of, to let her lead. But she was so quiet most of the time. Her two friends who were there for support, asked most of the questions and were just great and so helpful and open and just delightful ladies. I guess she felt shy, which I can understand.
Did we say too much? Too little? I know all we could do was be ourselves but it's hard not to keep re-thinking it all and replaying all that was said and wonder if I should have something different or more or less.
The result as of right now, is she has asked for more time to think about it. Now I feel so vulnerable and raw. But want to focus on all that we have to be grateful for.
I just can't help thinking of her though. No matter what happens, I want her to be happy and do well in life. She was so sweet and talk about vulnerable. Please! I have nothing to complain about. Our life is so good. She has to make the most difficult decision of her life. I totally respect that and she should take all the time she needs. Absolutely! It's important that everyone feel 100% about everything.
So, once again. We wait. We're in limbo. We're in a holding pattern.
11/18/09
first birthmother meeting
Glenn here.
having just had our first meeting with a birthmother, and no clue what the results will be, I did notice a couple things that I keep thinking about.
first and most importantly, it seemed to me to be more about trying to see a connection between the moms - meaning her and Angie. knowing that this person has had a difficult past, and good reasons not to trust, I tried to not be too forceful in trying to connect with her or even make eye contact, which may sound strange but really wasn't. it felt like giving her her space. but Angie was able to break some of those barriers a little bit more so - more direct conversation and questions, and even a hug at the end. I shook her hand. but I was ultimately most hopeful that Angie's energy and spirit would make the connection. no clue whether it did, only time will tell.
secondly, as a writer I've often read (and been taught) that good dialogue has subtext - meaning people say one thing and really mean another. bad dialogue is just saying it on the nose. for example, "I'm crazy about you" has less meaning and depth than "I really like that shirt you're wearing" (when you want to be professing your love). this was a dinner that was all subtext and hidden meaning, and very little open discussion of the matter at hand. mostly by intention, but partly by situation. it was a scene that had crazy depth to it... we talked about everything and anything but the reason we were all there, and yet everyone knew that was really the discussion at hand.
as a creative person, I imagine myself someday channeling all these experiences into something fictional (and somehow entertaining)... no idea what form that would take, but if I were to ever attempt to circle around a moment like this, it wouldn't take much adaptation to make it a truly powerful scene. strangely, living it was slightly less emotional than the thought of witnessing someone else living it, which when I think about it seems exceptionally poignant. complete strangers coming together in hopes that the pains and loss of the past might somehow be redeemed with an act of love towards a being that doesn't even technically exist yet. but in the end it was just a dinner with an uncertain outcome.
amazing how this journey has brought us into situations that we never thought possible. all we can do now is hope and wait, as we've been doing for years, only it seems a lot more intense at the moment.
having just had our first meeting with a birthmother, and no clue what the results will be, I did notice a couple things that I keep thinking about.
first and most importantly, it seemed to me to be more about trying to see a connection between the moms - meaning her and Angie. knowing that this person has had a difficult past, and good reasons not to trust, I tried to not be too forceful in trying to connect with her or even make eye contact, which may sound strange but really wasn't. it felt like giving her her space. but Angie was able to break some of those barriers a little bit more so - more direct conversation and questions, and even a hug at the end. I shook her hand. but I was ultimately most hopeful that Angie's energy and spirit would make the connection. no clue whether it did, only time will tell.
secondly, as a writer I've often read (and been taught) that good dialogue has subtext - meaning people say one thing and really mean another. bad dialogue is just saying it on the nose. for example, "I'm crazy about you" has less meaning and depth than "I really like that shirt you're wearing" (when you want to be professing your love). this was a dinner that was all subtext and hidden meaning, and very little open discussion of the matter at hand. mostly by intention, but partly by situation. it was a scene that had crazy depth to it... we talked about everything and anything but the reason we were all there, and yet everyone knew that was really the discussion at hand.
as a creative person, I imagine myself someday channeling all these experiences into something fictional (and somehow entertaining)... no idea what form that would take, but if I were to ever attempt to circle around a moment like this, it wouldn't take much adaptation to make it a truly powerful scene. strangely, living it was slightly less emotional than the thought of witnessing someone else living it, which when I think about it seems exceptionally poignant. complete strangers coming together in hopes that the pains and loss of the past might somehow be redeemed with an act of love towards a being that doesn't even technically exist yet. but in the end it was just a dinner with an uncertain outcome.
amazing how this journey has brought us into situations that we never thought possible. all we can do now is hope and wait, as we've been doing for years, only it seems a lot more intense at the moment.
11/17/09
A big meeting!!
We are meeting with a birthmother tonight!! We are meeting with a birthmother tonight!!! I have to say it twice because I still can't believe it myself. We are finally at this point in the process. I know nothing is set in stone until the papers are signed and the baby is in our home. But I am so excited to meet this young lady and let her know how much respect I have for her. I just hope I don't burst into tears when I see her and freak her out!! :)
Glenn & I are nervous, sure, but actually feeling good and know all we can do is just be ourselves and be in the moment and listen to her and answer all her questions and let her know how much we care about her and how we will love her baby more than anything else. We want to get to know each her and see if there is a connection and if we are a match! I sure hope so. I really do. It would so amazing to have our baby before the end of the year!! Wow! Okay. I'm breathing. All is well. Here we go!
Glenn & I are nervous, sure, but actually feeling good and know all we can do is just be ourselves and be in the moment and listen to her and answer all her questions and let her know how much we care about her and how we will love her baby more than anything else. We want to get to know each her and see if there is a connection and if we are a match! I sure hope so. I really do. It would so amazing to have our baby before the end of the year!! Wow! Okay. I'm breathing. All is well. Here we go!
11/16/09
What a journey!
Oh, life! you unpredictable and amazing thing! I have been doing much thinking and feeling these last couple of days and I realize though adoption may not be an ordinary thing, it is so extraordinary. I may not get an expanded waistline from being pregnant, but my mind, spirit and heart have been forever expanded from this whole process. It really is making me a better person. I have looked deeper at my own insecurities, judgments and feelings about my myself and others. I'm so grateful that we are on the adoption journey! Still so much more to experience, for sure but I am enjoying the ride. All the ups and downs are worth it. I am all about growing and being the best person I can be and this has certainly forced me to do more of that and I'm glad.
11/15/09
Hope, faith, wishes, dreams & knowing for sure.
I'm sure you've heard the expression, "Don't get your hopes up." or, "Have faith." Or, "You gotta have hope." Well, which is it? It's all of those things when waiting to be matched and chosen by a birth mother for adoption. All the different words and saying,evoke different reactions for different situations. When someone makes a makes a wish, someone else usually says, "I hope it comes true." So, is wishing and hoping the same thing or different?
I need hope to keep going on, but if we get to being presented to a another birth mom, we don't want to get our hopes up. But we always have faith the right situation will come to us at the right time. It is actually such a delicate situation and so emotional. I believe Glenn & I handle it all pretty well. But there are times it just all gets to me and I wonder am I handling it well, or just hiding it well and pushing it all under the rug? If I go to that emotional place, it feels like it will overwhelm me sometimes. To dream, to wish for it to happen now and to not have to wait anymore almost seems so distant, yet feels so close it scares me. If we are chosen, then get to the next phase and have the amazing opportunity to meet with a birthmom, I will just be beside myself!! Talk about overwhelmed!!! So, I try to stay in each moment, breath and allow myself to feel whatever I need and just enjoy life. I do know we will be parents. I keep saying that, but I will be totally honest, I hate not knowing when and I am getting weary of it. I am getting impatient and want to have our baby before the new year. This is my hope, my wish, my dream. I know it will come true.
I need hope to keep going on, but if we get to being presented to a another birth mom, we don't want to get our hopes up. But we always have faith the right situation will come to us at the right time. It is actually such a delicate situation and so emotional. I believe Glenn & I handle it all pretty well. But there are times it just all gets to me and I wonder am I handling it well, or just hiding it well and pushing it all under the rug? If I go to that emotional place, it feels like it will overwhelm me sometimes. To dream, to wish for it to happen now and to not have to wait anymore almost seems so distant, yet feels so close it scares me. If we are chosen, then get to the next phase and have the amazing opportunity to meet with a birthmom, I will just be beside myself!! Talk about overwhelmed!!! So, I try to stay in each moment, breath and allow myself to feel whatever I need and just enjoy life. I do know we will be parents. I keep saying that, but I will be totally honest, I hate not knowing when and I am getting weary of it. I am getting impatient and want to have our baby before the new year. This is my hope, my wish, my dream. I know it will come true.
11/6/09
November is National Adoption Awarness Month
The Adoptive Parents Group I started now officially has 23 members. Though, each in-person meet up we have, only a small amount can attend. I'm so proud of it and have come to realize that the subject of adoption is my new passion. I want to do more. So, in honor of National Adoption Awareness month, I've thinking about trying to speak on it at different places and write about it more and to get out there and inform others about the whole unique, yet extraordinary journey of adoption.
I look forward to the group tomorrow. And look forward to what I might accomplish with this new found desire to share what I have learned and will continue to learn about the process of adoption with others.
Here I go!!
I look forward to the group tomorrow. And look forward to what I might accomplish with this new found desire to share what I have learned and will continue to learn about the process of adoption with others.
Here I go!!
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